Another Fate
by allekto
Summary: Ken, Daisuke, love, and darkness, Daiken/Kensuke- do I ever write anything else. forgive the title, doesn't so much go with the story.
1. the beginning

Notes: People have done a lot of these stories. And I should probably attempt writing something other than a Kensuke or Daiken at some point. But, not just yet. They are my favorites after all. As always, this takes place years after 02… approximate ages are 20-25.

Warnings: yaoi, probably too much cursing, horrible writing

Disclaimer: don't own Digimon or characters, 'nuff said.

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Another Fate

Clouds hung low in the sky, their dim grayness casting bleak hue over the city and it's inhabitants. The kind of weather that threatened some form of precipitation, be it rain or snow. Solemn faces melted together as people moved along the streets. Sitting on a bench near Odaiba Beach, Ichijouji Ken wondered- not for the first time- what his purpose in the world was.

All meanings of Kindness and destiny forgotten, he mulled over his place among the adult world. It was decidedly easy to be a hero when he was only a young boy, but time had progressed, as it always has a tendency to do. While other people he knew were making choices to tread down lifelong paths, he felt anxiety burning in his chest. When he was young he had been so sure of everything. But now… Now, well, now things were different. There was no preparation for this strange new world he was starting to explore.

Part of him was comfortable accepting the dreams of his family, and to live out their plan for him. Another part of him lived up to the true nature of growing older, and wanted to fulfill his own dreams despite any parental disapproval. Still another part of him wished he could just forget everything and start a new life somewhere else, distancing himself from all the sheltering from family and friends. For years they had been far too over protective of him- as if afraid of something he might do. It had taken some time for him to figure out what had caused this irrational fear and the answer had left him with a mixed bag of emotions.

They were afraid of his other self. The dominating, sadistic, arrogant, and ultimately cruel persona that he had glorified those many years ago. The _Kaiser_. At first he was startled by this revelation, then quickly ashamed. Obviously, he had not proved himself worthy of his friends' trust, or they would not have worried so. If he had not overheard a conversation at one of the Chosen get togethers he would never have known, but once he was aware of it he was astonished that he had missed all the telltale signs.

Hikari and Takeru had been sitting together, whispering in their own world as they all too often did. Chuckling at comments they made every once in a while they would stoop together and then cast glances around the room, observing the others. Aqua and honey eyes scrutinized everyone and everything they observed- none were spared the treatment. Ken would have had no problems with this had he not heard what they said about him.

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"Do you think he's really okay now, 'Kari? What if he were just trying to fool everyone? You know, like some kind of scheme?"

At first he had not realized that the blond was referring to him and so, his interest piqued, he awaited the answer.

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"I really don't know, Take-chan. Obviously part of him is truly with us or his crest never would have worked. But after all this time there's still this… light in his eyes. It makes me wonder."

Startled, he remained quiet, hurting from the comments but desperately wanting to know if they had ever accepted him.

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"I suppose you're right, 'Kari. I've seen that look he gets. It's like he could just destroy everything in his path and never look back." There was a brief pause. "If anything, I think it's only getting harder for him as time goes on. When I look at him it seems like as he's growing older, the other side of him is never going to go away. If I didn't know better I would say it's getting stronger."

His indigo eyes had opened to enormous pools at that statement. How could they think such a thing? Would none of them ever trust him, treat him as an equal?

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"Yeah, you're right, Takeru. The Kaiser is still there, and sometimes I think I can still feel his presence, even if it's just Ken at his weakest. Of course, that was when the Kaiser was strongest, but still, there's just something there. Something that isn't going away. The darkness still clings to him, Takeru, and it worries me."

At that point, Ken had had enough and left the party. After that night his soul searching began in earnest. Often taking late night walks, sitting in the parks, or even going to a movie- he was always alone, thinking over the analysis his "friends" had provided. And it hurt. In a way he had least expected, it tore into him to know that no matter how hard he tried he would never be forgiven by them. Because it was not as though only Takeru and Hikari were the only Chosen who had spoken of Ken in such a way. For some reason, they always thought he was never listening or perhaps not even there at all. He had heard Taichi and Yamato through their door when he had visited them one night. The conversation had been a near perfect echo of their siblings. Miyako, despite her everlasting infatuation with him, had even offered her opinion on the subject one night when out with 'Kari and Iori. Sora, Mimi, Jyou, Koushiro… they all agreed. Ken was still damaged goods. He could save them twenty times a day seven days a week, he could make a saint look like the devil- but he would never be who they wanted him to.

Only Daisuke had never voiced his thoughts. This only brought Ken a slight amount of comfort, for he knew the exuberant second leader of the Chosen. Too much silence meant the burgundy haired one had done a great deal of thinking on the matter. All that silence signified that Daisuke harbored many secrets and deep suspicions about his Jogress partner. Some of this worried Ken, giving him excessive paranoia. Most of the time he took it to mean that his best friend would let the others think as they chose, but he would never slander his good friend's image. He would never give the others any fuel for their fire. And there was always plenty of fuel.

Ken had been through some obvious rough spots in his life, and Daisuke knew about all of them. He accepted all of them. His friend had witnessed a full-blown panic attack from Ken and a terrifying bout near homicidal mania as well. Throughout all of this, he had been nothing but supportive and giving- never belittling, berating, or scornful. So many times at their sleepovers Ken had woken during the night gasping for air, fighting the tears in his eyes and the fire in his lungs, with images of all the pain he had caused still flashing across his glassy indigo eyes. Daisuke had only woken, and held him until the tremors of fear had vanished in the darkness. Though he never asked Ken about these nightmares, Ken always told him, grateful that someone would listen and not judge. Other nights he would waken with stealth and surety, a possessive gleam in his eyes. He would watch as Dai slept, indigo caressing the other boy's skin in the most intimate of ways. A few times Ken had felt a touch of something wild in him calling out, demanding that he take control of the slumbering figure of his friend. Dominate him, take him, cut him, hurt him, bite him, mark him…

Thankfully, Daisuke had never been awake for Ken's late night psychotic show. It probably would have resulted in immediate removal from Daisuke's life and more likely than not, a restraining order. Ken could be very possessive of _his_ Daisuke. And that streak, that wild and untamable urge in him, would laugh in his mind knowing how much he would love to taste that skin and touch that body. However, this same streak- though it found Daisuke to be a delectable treasure- had far bigger and better plans. Had Ken let this side of himself free to roam the city, a lot of people would be dead. There was no denying that this part of him lacked a conscience. As though there were two personalities occupying the space of his mind- leaving no vacancies for anything else. It was consuming and exhausting to say the very least.

Split versions of himself, all in one body- it was something he thought about frequently. Occasionally, he would share thoughts with Minomon on the matter but mostly kept his theories to himself. Years of thinking had brought him to the conclusion that while his family had expected certain things from him, he had fought it, which resulted in him creating a version of his personality that would achieve his goals, fulfill his desires. A personality that would always be able to assert itself, though in reality when his parents pushed he instantly responded by being the perfect son they had lost with the death of Osamu. A weakling and a dictator. What a duo.

Running long, slender fingers through his dark hair he let his head fall as he once again contemplated which Ken he really was. Though hundreds of people had passed by him without consequence, Ken's ears picked up the sound of familiar footfalls. Energy crackled from his steps, even. It was truly a marvel that this young man could be so full of life. Lifting his head, Ken kept his eyes closed for another moment pushing aside the sadness that had gathered there. When he opened them, he was greeted with his favorite view in any world he had seen. Daisuke, tall and proud, clad in his usual sweater, khakis, boots combination with his ever present smile bent down to look him right in the eyes.

"How's it hangin', Ken?"

Ken felt one eyebrow automatically raise and a reprimand pursing his lips. "I really don't think that's any of your business, Daisuke," he replied, voice full of its notorious arctic chill.

Without regard to the frostiness in his friend's tone, Dai simply placed himself in Ken's lap, twining his arms around the pale, slender neck. Leaning his head onto one shoulder he sighed. "If only you would go along with this plan of mine, Ken-chan. Things could be amazing. We would be great together, you know. I guarantee the sex would be phenomenal."

This was an old game between them. Ken would push away Daisuke's flirtation to the point where the Chosen of Courage would test the limits of Kindness with overt sexual overtures. But, it was all in good fun. Thankfully, Daisuke had no idea of what fantasies plagues Ken with every touch. Whips, chains, and rough sex- oh my! "Thanks, but I'll pass," Ken said, dryly. Not that he meant it.

Puppy eyed and pouting, Daisuke pleaded with his friend. "So, would my best friend at least like to get dinner with me?" Since Ken could never refuse Dai in any way, he readily agreed. Taking firm hold of Ken's hand he dragged him to a nearby restaurant, babbling like a maniac all the way.

He let himself be dragged, fighting the blush that was building in his cheeks. Finally, he stumbled forward and into the other man wrapping his arms about Daisuke's waist without even giving it a second thought. When he felt the person in his hold stiffen he immediately let go. Pushing his hands into his pockets he felt embarrassment coming up to greet him. "Gomen nasai," he said quietly. "I tripped."

A burgundy eyebrow rose. "So I noticed, Ken-chan." There was a dangerous glitter of mischief in his cinnamon hued eyes. "If you wanted to get so physical you could have at least asked me on a date first."

"Stop it, Dai," he looked away. Too much temptation, too much temptation… 

Placing a hand on Ken's shoulder, he smiled gently when the indigo eyes turned to greet him, begging him to understand how dangerous it was if they got too close. "It's okay, I understand," was all he said. And they resumed their walk towards food and comfort.

As they strode through Odaiba, they were stopped by a young man who, at most, was only twenty. "Hey, Dai-baby! Where were you last night?" The newcomer slipped an arm around the man in question's waist and pulled him close. Too close for Ken's liking- ice began to mold into his expression.

"I was out with some old friends, Lee," Daisuke blushed, a beautiful contrast on his bronze pigmented skin. 

"You missed a hell of a party. Lots of bishonen for your viewing pleasure! It wasn't the same without your usual performance though," and he wrapped both arms around Daisuke, sliding one hand down to grab at his ass.

Indigo eyes narrowed and there was a brief flash of violet fire across their surface before Ken cleared his throat. "Why don't you introduce me, Dai-chan?" The usage of the suffix was deliberate- calculating.

Flustered and making his best attempt to escape the tight grip on his waist Daisuke gave his friend a mortified look, but only for a second. Quick inspection revealed to him that Ken was not trying to be considerate. If he got the chance, Ken would most likely peel Lee's skin off in thick layers. "Ken, this is Lee," he gestured to the man with the iron grip. "Lee," he continued, finally managing to break away, "this is my _very_ close friend, Ken." 

Lee's cool chocolate eyes took in the sight of the pale, tall man before him. Since he was not privy to Ken's background, he saw no threat present. Three black belts were never noticeable in an ordinary situation. "Pleasure to meet you, Ken. I take it you've known my Dai-chan for quite some time," the man purred, reaching once again for Daisuke.

That was all it took. A quick scan of the area surrounding them revealed an all too easy attack plan. Ken grabbed Lee's right wrist with his own right hand before the other man's hand could even brush Daisuke again and pulled. As he sidestepped away from Lee, he bent the man's arm, pushing his hand up between his shoulder blades- not any easy position should the victim not be flexible enough. Taking a firm hold of his left shoulder, Ken pushed Lee up against the closest wall he could find, which happened to be brick. Rough surfaces will cut delicate skin…

"_Your_ Dai-chan?" The question was hissed in Lee's ear. Ken's left hand dug into the muscle tissue at Lee's shoulder looking for the nerve that would send him to his knees. "Your Dai-chan?!" His skilled fingers pinched the nerve making his victim's knees buckle, but Ken held him firm- anger giving him strength he had forgotten he possessed.

"Ken, stop it!" Daisuke heard the edge of panic in his own voice and bit it back. Gently, tenderly placing his hands on Ken's shoulders he stepped closer to the crazed man. It was like watching the Kaiser in action all over again. Only Daisuke was not a world to be conquered. Moving close he murmured in Ken's ear, "Stop, Ken. Just let him go. He's not worth it. Forget him, he's nothing." He felt Ken's rigid posture relax under his fingertips. "Just let him go," Daisuke whispered.

Strong hands released the squirming and now frightened man. "Fuck, Dai! Your friend is fucking psychotic! Shit!"

Pinching the bridge of his nose and closing his eyes, Daisuke shook his head. "Just get out of here, Lee."

The other man stood, gaping. "But he's fucking psychotic, man! You shouldn't be around him."

Ken's shoulders tensed under Dai's fingers once more. "What was that?" His tone sent an icy shock through the air. Lee got the hint and ran before Ken blew a fuse and became really violent. 

Two tired blue eyes closed, trying to fend off the wariness of fighting this part of himself. Ken slumped, more out of shame than defeat. "Oh god," he whispered. "Dai, I'm so sorry. Gomen, gomen nasai. Gomen…" His words repeated over and over. 

For his part, Daisuke was very sympathetic. Having known Ken for so many years he knew the torture the normally kind-hearted man was most likely putting himself through. Though he knew full well exactly what Ken was capable of, he also thought it was so unfair. Would Ken never be able to let this part of himself go? Or at least integrate it into the kind, sweet friend Daisuke cared for so much? There was no rest for Ken. Not until he accepted the darkest parts of his mind, body, and soul. Daisuke was determined to make that happen. He would never forsake this wonderful person. He cared far too much. Instead, he pulled Ken into his arms, ran his hands through the inky hair, and whispered soothing words to his companion until the shock wore off. 

"It's okay, Ken. It's all right…"

Mentally slapping, punching, kicking himself, Ken pulled it together. Composure firmly back in place he shied away from Daisuke's embrace. "I'm okay now, Dai. And I'm sorry," the words were quiet, shameful.

With his cheerful smile on his face again, Daisuke fought off an urge to kiss away his friend's anxiety. "I know, Ken-chan. Now, let's go get dinner." Taking Ken's hand yet again he resumed pulling him down the street, babbling about anything he could think of the erase the past few minutes. When they reached the restaurant all worries were temporarily thrown aside- food being a much better occupation for their thoughts.

Once they ordered, the two men settled into comfortable silence. As their friendship had grown over the years they had gotten used to each other's habits. Daisuke, to Ken's tendency to get lost in thoughts of life and craziness; Ken, to Daisuke's tendency to touch him or fidget at all times, never able to sit still. Naturally, Daisuke broke the silence first.

"So, what were you so deep in thought about when I ran into you in the park earlier?"

Ken chewed his bottom lip and thought for a moment. He had been thinking over the very nature of his personality that made him lash out at Lee. A stupid, baiting taunt and he fell for it- hook, line, sinker. He had been thinking about what made him want to hurt others. No, not simply hurt them. What made him _enjoy_ doing it. The fact that he got pleasure from causing other people pain. And the fact that he would succumb to those desires every so often…

"Do you think I'm weak, Daisuke?"

Cinnamon eyes blinked- once, twice, then stared. Did he think Ken was… weak? Ken, who had bent even powerful Digimon to his will. Okay, so maybe it was his master's will, but he had still done it. Ken, who had overcome the darkest seed of evil planted in his own body, seen his faults and asked for forgiveness…

"Ken," he said slowly, "I could never think you were weak."

"But, why?"

Rubbing his hands over his face, he tried to put things together in his mind so that when he spoke it might sounds halfway convincing. "It takes a strong person to admit they're wrong about something. Especially when it's something they've been taught never to question. It takes an even stronger person to ask for forgiveness after that, Ken. You did all of those things. How could you see yourself as weak?" 

A long silence answered Daisuke as Ken thought about it. Sighing finally, his tired eyes rose to meet a questioning gaze. There was another flicker in those cinnamon eyes that he could not quite name, but it was something familiar. "Because, Dai, no matter how hard I fight I still end up giving in to whatever it is that makes me so cruel sometimes."

There was a brief smirk that quickly melted into an honest smile. "That part of you that makes you cruel, eh? Ken I hate to break it to you, but it's you. You are the reason you're so cruel sometimes."

He most definitely had not been expecting that. Violet ice slid below the liquid surface of Ken's eyes. It took some very noticeable effort, but he managed to refrain from biting Daisuke's head off. "Is that so, Dai-chan? I'm the reason for this nasty streak of cruelty, hmm?" Pausing to set his chopsticks down he could feel the first twinges of something building in him. Every movement he made was slow, deliberate. "Perhaps, that wasn't quite what I meant then."

"So, what did you mean, Ken-chan?" Cinnamon flickered over the deft movements across the table. Kaiser or Ken? Kaiser or Ken? He still was never sure which one he was dealing with. It made him insane, and he wished with everything in his soul that Ken could just come to terms with it already. "Are you referring to your cruelty as Kaiser, or to what you almost did to Lee earlier? Do you mean the violent nature that hides behind that calm and so sweet visage everyone but me always sees?"

Apparently, his friend had done a lot of thinking on this matter as well. "That could be it, yes," his voice was smooth- lacking any flaws of nervousness or fear. "This, this violent nature of mine, as you put it, is something of an enigma. I can't understand how I can feel kindness, even _be_ Kindness, and harbor such a severe level of sociopathy. It's like he's in my head all the time whispering to me how wonderful it would be if I just gave in to him, and one way or another, I always do."

It was the longest statement Ken had made about this topic in years. Daisuke thought over what had been said. The Kaiser was still seen as a separate entity to Ken. Interesting. Well, that would explain some things. He sighed and gave his opinion on the matter at hand. "Ken, I'm not sure either. I think it might be that you're just unwilling to accept that you're capable of hurting people-"

"I _like_ it, Daisuke. That's what scares me. Part of me gets such a rush at the mere thought of it." A shudder racked him at his own words. Sadism seemed such a frightening word. Not a word he wanted others to associate with him.

"And you think that's the Kaiser side of you?"

"Certainly. It must be. You know me Dai, better than anyone- including Wormmon and all his stages. That isn't me. It can't be." Any calm he had felt in the previous moments dissipated leaving him awash with guilt. A warm touch on his hand made him look up at his companion's tender smile.

"Everyone has thoughts like that, Ken," he said in a voice so quietly serene it felt as though he were breathing out an aura of healing- the power of Friendship at its best. "Everyone has thoughts that they aren't proud of or are ashamed of even."

Tears glittering in his indigo eyes Ken laughed, the sound nothing more than a weak sob. "If you knew some of the things I've thought," words failed him and he shook his head. "If you could see inside my mind you would probably start screaming and get carted off to a rubber room somewhere." Stopping he quickly pressed a hand to his mouth. "Oh shit, Daisuke, I'm sorry…" What had he been thinking saying that? He knew Dai had a psychiatric history that rivaled his own in complexity. "I'm so, so sorry."

"Ken, it's okay," he cut the neurotic young man off. "Really, it's okay. If it were anyone else I'd be really pissed off, but it's you, okay?" At the shaky nod he gave another tender smile. "Besides, we aren't talking about me right now, we're dealing with you. Ken, you know it's okay to talk to me about this. I'll never judge you."

Nodding, he smiled- or at least tried to. "I know, Dai-chan. This isn't something I'm used to talking about. We've talked about Jogress evolution, theorized about parallel dimensions, even waxed philosophical about the nature of every other crest of the Digidestined, but we've never dealt with ourselves. I guess I'm scared to. Pretty stupid, huh?"

"No, Ken. It's not stupid," Daisuke gave the pale hand in his own a squeeze. "It's easy to talk about other people and stuff but it's hard to turn that magnifying glass back on yourself. No one likes talking about their problems." Yet, Ken had always opened up to him about the part of himself that he most likely considered weak. All the nightmares, the late nights crying together- Dai knew how precious it was. "And you forgot something. We are Jogress partners, which means I have seen inside your mind. And you don't see me fleeing in terror, do you?"

Dark eyebrows knit in confusion, he felt his tears drying away. "No, I guess I don't." Pulling his hand away from the warm touch of Daisuke's skin, Ken looked down at the table- studying it as though it held ancient secrets. Indeed, Dai must have seen the horror of his mind before. Why didn't he think of that? He had seen the beauty inside the Chosen of Courage and Friendship, so why did he think the flow worked only one way? "Then why is it that you trust me when the others don't? You've been there, you've seen what I'm truly like. How can you trust a monster like me? All those dreams of blood and pain, every whim of cruel aspiration, every fantasy…" Oh no. No, no, no- had he seen _everything_? "Dai…?"

"Okay, so maybe not everything. But I get these weird flashes in my dreams sometimes. We haven't had to Jogress in years, so after that final time a lot of your private thoughts are still your own. Not that I haven't wondered about some things," he trailed off letting the glimmer of mischief burn in his cinnamon eyes again, turning them into golden fire. Chuckling to himself at Ken's questioning look he merely shook his head at the pale man. Oh there were things he wanted to know, but would never dare to ask. Did Ken ever dream of him tied up and at his mercy? Had Ken ever fantasized about what a passionate bout of lovemaking between the two of them would be like? Did Ken ever wonder if he would be forever alone? Forever unable to heal the wounds the past had dealt him? Always longing for things he was never even sure he understood? The Chosen shook his head once again. So many years between them of soft touches and near intimacy. Though Daisuke had initiated a lot of those moments with his flirtatious habits, he had always been the one to stop. Ken never protested the advances, unless in a particularly sour mood, but even then the innuendo still won a smile. While quiet man never protested the advances, he had never protested when Daisuke stopped either. And neither of them ever spoke in any serious tones of what transpired during those moments. However, in the depths of night he would lay in his bed feeling his throat turning to gravel around the mound of pain that lay there. The battle against his tears would rage as he choked away sobs and tried in vain to stop the images of Ken filtering through his mind. Dreams of the one person he could never have tormenting him to the edges of fear. What did it mean to be bound to someone so tightly? He was terrified of finding out. Despite the fact that he cared for Ken a great deal, Daisuke would never voice his emotions. The only stopping factor was not rejection or loss of friendship. What prevented such a freedom of emotional discourse was the fear that things might actually work out between them. The fear that he would lose himself, lose the identity he had fought so hard for. He shook his head again and looked across the table not losing the shine in his eyes.

"Things like what, Dai? After all we've discussed today, you'll know everything about me." Well, almost everything. Some things were not worth the price of being revealed.

"Then why is it I get the feeling that you're still keeping something from me?"

Fuck. "Whatever do you mean, Dai-chan? There's nothing I haven't told you." Shields of indigo slid into place, effectively guarding the soul within.

"I mean that you're right. I do know you Ken. Better than anyone, sometimes that includes you." As this registered in his friend's eyes he snickered. "Plus, you don't blink as much when you're hiding something. In fact, you almost completely shut down. And not only is it creepy as hell, but it's also kind of annoying. Please tell me what it is."

Double fuck. "It's nothing, Dai-ch-"

"You also call me 'Dai-chan' a lot more when you're trying to be either persuasive or trying to lie to me."

Oh. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. "I hadn't realized that you noticed," he replied trying to regain his calm aplomb. "But, it really isn't anything you need to be worried about. And don't pry into this one, Dai. This is a Pandora's Box that I'm not ready to open." Eyes locked dead-on with a penetrating, spicy gaze he did his best to project that he was telling the truth. Ken was in a world that went beyond the realm of fear when it came to this. The cruelty in him wanted to come out and play- especially with the sculpted Adonis that he knew as Daisuke. If that happened things could never be the same. Simple lust would have been easy to handle, but he feared the dominance that burned in him. Feared it would leave obvious scars on both Daisuke's mind and body. And it would not stop there. He would rampage until the world was bathed in blood and those remaining were begging for mercy. The urge to destroy swept him in a rush so intoxicating he almost fainted from the stress of having to fend it off. 

"Ken?" The eyes were full of worry. "Are you feeling all right? You look kinda pale, well, paler than usual."

Breathing deeply, counting to twenty, he calmed the beast- the monster- that lay in him. "Hai, I'm all right, Daisuke. I think I just need to get out of here and go for a walk or something." Standing, he was barely conscious of his companion's actions. They paid and left with Ken still balancing on a fine line between catatonia and psychosis. Fortunately, the night air felt crisp in his lungs and cleared the fog in his brain.

"Feeling better?" The burgundy haired man grinned at the accompanying nod. "Great, because I've got a killer idea." He felt Ken stop, and turn, and fix him with a skeptical glare.

"That means you have some sort of 'life and death' idea for us to follow through on. Forgive me if I don't feel up to the challenge tonight," he said dryly. A finger wagged in his face.

"Ne, Ken, when's the last time you had a little fun?" The mischievous glint was back in his aura again.

"The last time you dragged me on one of these roller coaster devil spawn rides of yours. Which, I might add, resulted in a very expensive trip to the hospital."

He blushed at that- more fire in him coming to the surface. "Yeah, sorry about that one. But, come on, you need to perk up. And when's the last time you went to the Digital World anyway?"

Ken froze. "What?! You want to go there now?"

"Uh-huh," Daisuke nodded vigorously.

"May I ask why?" Deep in his heart, he knew the answer he was about to receive.

"So we can Jogress and you don't have to worry about whatever it is you're too afraid to tell me." Without waiting he grabbed one of Ken's arms and hauled him off to his apartment. Upon attending Tokyo University, Daisuke's parents had finally acknowledged that their son was not stupid and bought him a computer. Koushiro must have loaded the Digital Gate program into it at some point that Ken was unaware of. 

Trying to fight of the hold on his arm, Ken found his efforts useless. Not only could he not get a clear shot at Daisuke with the pace they were moving at, but he could not bring himself to hurt the shining figure. At the very thought of it, he felt his eyes water. Daisuke pulled him along without any further word and other pedestrians might have thought them to be strange, but Ken was transfixed. The Destined of Courage and Friendship was glowing. The streetlights reflecting off the skin on his face highlighted the bronze tone that was part of his genetic makeup. Moving through the city, head held high, Ken on his arm- Daisuke looked like an angel. A very familiar comparison to Ken. In his dreams, the young man always had wings.

"Okay," he agreed softly, barely believing that he was saying it at all. "You don't have to drag me with you Daisuke. I'll go to the Digital World."

"Good. Glad you decided that so I don't have to force you." Words of reassurance, but his hold never let up. "But, just in case you get squeamish…" And the hold tightened and they neared the apartment. 

Bidding a final good night to the city they went inside. Daisuke had to ease his grip on Ken a little to open his the door, but he still held him. There was no way he would let fear ruin this bond. Though he was entirely petrified of what could happen he needed to lay all his fears to rest. Since he was not as stupid as everyone else assumed, Daisuke was fully aware that when they joined Ken would know exactly how he felt. However, it seemed the Cowardice that lingered in him left him no options. That was indeed the beauty of being part of one of the first groups of Digidestined. Crests, tags, and digimentals all marked their traits- be they the holders' greatest weakness or strength. And, true to any regular deigning of nobility, each Chosen had to accept that they held not only the given attribute, but also its counterpart. Over time they had all come to terms with their abilities and Daisuke marveled at this. With the stress of maturity he had learned the values of friendship and courage, particularly with Ken. However, there was no denying that there was a trace of cowardice behind his refusal to admit his affection. Sneaking a quick glance at the luminescent figure with him he steeled his nerves for the Jogress.

Ken, on the other hand, was already digging his heels into the floor as Dai pulled him along. Not necessarily because of the Kaiser- or whatever it was called. Daisuke would know of his fantasies, true enough, but he would also know just how deep Ken's desire for him actually ran. If given a chance, Ken would die for the angel at his side. Had he the chance, he would sacrifice all in his possession to keep the man he beheld safe and happy. When Daisuke pulled out his old digivice, Ken only sighed in resignation. He had to go through with this, no matter what the cost. Leaning his head onto his friend's shoulder he silently prayed to anything that could hear that Dai would live up to his digimentals.

As they were pulled through there was the familiar rush of electric current- nothing harmful, just tingling, inviting. They landed standing in the same position they had departed in. Years of practice had helped with smoother landings. Their clothing no longer changed either. The change was only generated when the wearer was insecure about the gifts hidden in his or her heart. While both young men were grappling with a level of insecurity they had each come to terms with what had created the previous clothing they wore on digital escapades. Daisuke had left behind his bravado years ago, trading it for security with both psyche and sexuality. Ken had abandoned his gray uniform having rid himself of the desire to become invisible. Now they stood wearing only what they brought with them- certain emotions fluttering in the air around them but not manifesting in physical form. Each man surveyed the area with grim determination. They had come to rest beside a lake. The peaceful setting doing nothing to alleviate distress felt by either Chosen. 

"Well," Daisuke tried to keep his tone light, "I guess now we start looking."

"Yeah," Ken matched the light tone but felt a knot forming in his stomach. He loved Wormmon, he really did, but he did not feel like spending hours trying to locate his friend. Fortune smiled on the pair again. As luck would have it, their digimon were close by. A short walk to a village would prove to be excruciatingly long for Ken. Both men quiet, he thought about what they had come to accomplish. A Jogress. A joining between their digimon that resulted in a joining between Ken and Daisuke. A union they had not experienced for years. Blushing faintly, Ken reminisced about the feeling of two hearts beating beneath his breastbone. The thought was exhilarating if not a little scary. Okay, so a whole lot scary… His friend bounded ahead of him apparently eager to put this matter behind them. Join their minds so that they could understand one another without words. They would feel in unison what each desired most. Again, Ken thought about turning back and running for his life. They reached the village all too soon. Veemon and Wormmon cried out at the sight of their partners.

"Daisuke! You haven't been here for days! I was starting to think you didn't like me anymore," Veemon went flying into Dai's stomach as a blur of blue and white.

"Ken-chan!" Wormmon was much more reserved, crawling up to his partner his eyes lighting as Ken knelt down to give him an affectionate pat and eventually a hug as well.

They stalled for a while, not wanting to seem entirely selfish to their partners, but finally even Ken began to fidget. "Um, Dai? I think we should tell them."

Flashing cinnamon snapped up, then turned to the small blue creature at his side. "Yeah," he agreed, "we probably should."

"Tell us what, Ken-chan?" The distinct note of worry in Wormmon's voice did nothing to help Ken's jumpiness.

"Well,' Daisuke spoke up, "you see guys it's like this: Ken and I were talking about some stuff and we decided the best way to understand each other was a Jogress, which we can't do, but you two can, so… uh, yeah."

Both creatures blinked at this, stunned into silence. Indigo eyes rolled skyward. Kami, give him patience. "Smooth, Daisuke, very smooth."

An indignant snap: "I'd like to see you do better!"

Ken only shook his head, dark hair hiding his eyes that sparkled with fear. "Well, Wormmon?"

The two humans stared at their digimon for a few more minutes before the digimon burst into cheers. "YES! Do you know how long we've wanted to do this for?!" Veemon was bouncing up and down faster than Ken had ever thought possible.

"Oh, Ken-chan! We've waited and waited for you to come here and ask this! We can't do it ourselves and we've wanted to forever…" Wormmon began to bounce with Veemon in an over excited frenzy of green and blue that left Ken with borderline nausea.

After that everything became one massive blur. Before Ken could stop anything Stingmon and X-Veemon were nearly joined in Jogress. He could hear nothing over the pounding of his own heart in his ears. With no recollection of anything he had said he tried to swallow the dryness in his throat away. Beside him, Daisuke was in the same state. They watched as Stingmon and X-Veemon became Paildramon and then they felt it...

Ken could hear two heartbeats in his ears. There was a rush of sensation and then Daisuke was there- with, beside, around, and inside…

Daisuke felt the rhythm in his chest expand to twice the power. A consuming sense of Ken filled him shrouding reality…

And they both thought that it had never been like this before. Seconds later their minds crashed together in a hurricane. Running on sensory overload they reached for one another feeling almost as if they could merge into one body too. Their blood flowing like molten silver, they burned together in a desire so explosive it nearly left the Digital World in ruins. But every sensation stayed locked within their flesh. Flashes of memories and dreamstuff mixed with the Digital World and with the space surrounding it, never relenting. They became lost in one another the way only lovers are known to do- each one crying for the other, begging for some sort of release from the pent up energy…

Paildramon watched as the Jogress took Ken and Daisuke. Within its mind it recognized that they needed to pull apart before serious physical damage was done to either youth. Reluctantly, it made the right decision, pulling apart to become Veemon and Wormmon, each with enough energy left to complete another Jogress if needed. They watched the young men as they fell to the ground, chests heaving…

Ken lay there for what felt like years. The sudden halting of sensation left him feeling incredibly empty. Closing his eyes to the stars above, he let the event replay in his mind knowing Daisuke was most likely doing the same. Memories, fantasies- things Ken had never realized about his closest friend flew across his brain. Had he really just witnessed that?

Daisuke lay on the ground, fully aware of Ken's presence less than one foot away- well within touching distance. Visions of Ken's dreams sparking through his vision. When he found his voice he let out a low, sultry laugh. "Holy shit that was amazing." He heard the murmur of agreement beside him and turned as best he could to look at the beautiful figure on the grass. Pale skin illuminated in the moonlight, soft dark hair fanned about his flushed face. Quite delicious all in all. Thinking of delicious things… "Hey, Ken?"

One eyes opened- a shimmering jewel of blue. "Yeah, Dai-chan?" His voice was breathy, his heart starting to slow.

"Did you really sit and watch me sleep all the time?"

Shit. "Uh, yeah. I did." Thinking for a moment he bit his lip, trying to form the question. Hell with it. "Daisuke… do you love me?"

He turned his face away, feeling the burn of a blush staining it. "Yes I do, Ken. I love you a great deal." Now he knew. And Ken… Ken's mind was so chaotic that it took him a moment to sort out what he had experienced. "You, you love me too, don't you?" Elation sang on his nerves doing the brightest victory dance in recorded history.

"Yeah," was the quiet response. "And I understand if you don't want to ever come near me again after seeing all of that. You don't know how much I wanted to tell you all the time-"

"Oh, but I do know, Ken. Let's hear it for Jogress evolution!" Finding the strength to sit up Daisuke let out a rather girlish giggle. "I feel drunk or something…" he saw Ken nod in assent and sat studying him for another space of moments. "It doesn't scare me, you know. Your darkness. As you may have observed, I have it too."

Ken finally opened both eyes and thought better of it, squinting at his friend. "Pretty hard to miss that kind of thing, Dai. Help me up?" Pale hands reached out and were taken by bronzed hands and held for a minute in a sweet but simple embrace. Once he was pulled into an upright position, he felt the world tilt and he slumped forward onto Daisuke's shoulder. "So? Now what?" The task of completing sentences or even complicated thoughts was far beyond Ken's grasp and he would have been content to spend the rest of his life just leaning on Daisuke.

"Hmmm? Oh, well… I don't know really. Do you want to give it a shot? Us, I mean. This time I'm not teasing- you and me. Relationship. Togetherness. Physi-"

"_Dai_," the sharp warning came scant moments before his vision was filled with indigo. A soft touch pressed at his lips- sweet, reassuring. All too short, and Ken pulled away. "I love you, you know," he whispered pressing his forehead to Daisuke's. "And, you're right. I do feel drunk."

Laughing he ran his fingers through the silken hair before stroking Ken's cheek. "Love you too. Even if you are crazy…"

There was only a flicker of violet before Daisuke was tackled to the ground screaming for mercy as Ken tickled him- something they had not done since junior high, tickle fighting. "I'm crazy? I'm crazy?! Mister Bondage Fantasy of the year anyone- me tying you up! And I'm crazy?!" Although, he had to admit, the idea was very exciting.

"You know you loved it. I can see it in your eyes. No! Not there! ACK! Ken, I know you want me at your mercy but I thought you wanted me top be naked for it. NO! Stop tickling me!" His laughter rang in the air- golden peals of delight and satiety.

"Well, so did you!" Stopping his tickle routine he fixed a glare on Daisuke. It didn't last- Ken fell forward cuddling into Dai's chest. "That was a weird Jogress…" he yawned.

"It practically felt like sex," Daisuke laughed understanding why he felt so… _content_. As his mind began to drift away he was dimly aware of Ken moving again. Before he was coherent enough to comprehend what he was doing he pulled Ken up and kissed him. There was a moan against his lips as a foreign tongue sought entrance. Ken tasted like sugar, like twilight, like magic.

"Yesss…" he whispered against Daisuke's mouth. A flavor of spice and chocolate filled him. Strong arms encircled him. He felt so safe in his angel's embrace. Pulling away as their kiss tapered off he rubbed his nose against the one below him. "Love you, Dai-chan."

"Love you too, my Ken-chan." When his new boyfriend settled down again he chuckled. "So, does this mean you'll consider a relationship with me?"

Before Ken could answer there was a shout. "Why are you kissing Daisuke?" Veemon bounded up to them, head tilted in childlike wonder.

Wormmon followed his Jogress partner laughing to himself. "They love each other Vee. Come on, let's let them be alone for a while."

"But I want to visit with Daisuke! Ken gets to see him all the time. And I love Daisuke too. They can make out when they go back to the Regular old boring World. I want some quality time!" The pout on the mon's face was irresistible. 

Laughter answered the demand and the two young men got up off the ground silently resolving that they would discus the night's events at a later time. At that moment they simply held one another knowing their emotions were finally free, but not unaware of the dangers they could bring. Through their darkness they had found each other- not as a light, but as a simple sense of salvation. A bond that could withstand any cruelty, cowardice, any darkness.

*************

finally! There will more than likely be another chapter or story to this in the future, but for now I'm tired. Not to mention the fact that somewhere around 3,000 words my computer crashed erasing half the story, giving me a near aneurysm. I hate it when that happens. 


	2. 6 months later...

Notes: yeah, so right after I posted chapter 1 it occurred to me that I had to do another chapter. And this story is fairly sad, just to warn you. After this I actually plan to write a Yamachi, which could be interesting. Hope you like this part…

Warnings (fairly standard): yaoi! yippee! Daiken/Kensuke! sadness! love! darkness!

don't own Digimon!

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6 months later… 

Relationships can truly be one of the great marvels of the universe. A union between two people that results in such a sharing of souls that even if they were not before, they are sure to become the best of friends. Every intimate detail, the deepest of secrets, there are almost no barriers between them. Almost…

The past six months had gone by in a whirlwind of emotion for Ken. It seemed as though his greatest wish had come true. His dream lover had come to him. It was a fantasy made flesh. Every night as he drifted into the realm of sleep he thanked whoever had sent Daisuke to him. After all, what had he done to deserve such a precious creature? Such an angel? When he opened his eyes every morning he had to remind himself that it was real.

Six months. Six wonderful months. It was certainly not a lifetime, but they had not been shy about their intentions toward one another. Daisuke had told him one evening in an achingly tender moment that he wanted to marry him. Ken felt his heart soar at the very thought. Every look, every word from Dai made him feel so special, almost beautiful. Something beyond a simple look of love, it was a declaration. No one had ever made him feel like he was worth anything simply by watching him walk into a room. Daisuke managed it just fine.

Initially, they had been hesitant to sleep together- either because of previous experience or general shyness of having sex with their best friend. However, one night Ken had gone to Daisuke's apartment to find quite an overwhelming surprise. The night had been filled with shocking touches and deep kisses. They had some champagne and lost themselves in the bliss of passion. It felt like it lasted for hours when Ken finally cried out his lover's name and succumbed to both pleasure and the weight of the man above him, gravity pulling them back to the warmth of Daisuke's sheets. Everything had felt so perfect, so right. Daisuke had been so gentle with him, holding him close afterward whispering his love in Ken's ear. Ken felt his entire world change. The cruelty that he worried about so frequently lay dormant having finally found peace. Whenever they made love after that Ken could feel both of their hearts beating simultaneously in his chest. Their rhythm intoxicated him, and he knew Daisuke could feel it too by the way he would place one hand over Ken's pale, trembling chest the moment before he climaxed. Sex was most assuredly an event for them, something to be cherished and practiced with utmost care.

The rare times when they were apart, Ken would think about their relationship and wonder if something so seemingly perfect could last. In this situation he could not afford to waste time on optimistic daydreaming. As much as it hurt him, he had to be practical about the situation. Upon closer inspection he found a handful of problems, most of which he attributed to himself. Jealousy, though a formidable adversary, was not exactly the biggest of turn-ons. Daisuke was naturally a flirt and could charm both men and women alike- causing Ken no end of grief. He tried not to let the little things get to him, but every once in a while he could not keep his fear under control. And he had to, or he knew Dai would leave him. Not that it was something they discussed a lot. If an outside party watched them they would find no visible trace of any problems whatsoever. Day by day they would smile and hold each other close holding their thoughts and fears to themselves. Ken worried it would become destructive but when he mentioned it Daisuke waved the idea away. They were fine, no problems at all… right.

As more and more days went by Ken found that his beloved was getting stressed out from one thing or another. Try as he might, Ken was no help. His efforts seemed wasted, if not utterly unwelcome. To say it hurt was putting it mildly. Daisuke's tendency to push him away blinded Ken with both pain and the ever-growing fear that he was not good enough. The love he had for Daisuke overtook his own nature, preventing him from seeing too deeply into his love's mind. After the Jogress that brought them together, they had shared such a tight bond it felt that they were still joined for the first couple months. At night when the shadows were thick enough to taste they could hear the other's heartbeat and the whisper of their thoughts. It seemed a mystical connection strengthened by their emotions. But as time went on, Daisuke drifted away. Ken knew it was not something intentional on Dai's part and he wondered what he had done wrong.

Eventually, he felt his lover pull away almost completely. He stopped touching Ken, stopped kissing Ken, stopped everything. At that point Ken had blown a fuse and screamed at Daisuke, driving the point home that their relationship was something Dai had said he wanted. Ken was not just some fuck he could throw aside when he was done.

__

"Dai, what the hell is going on with us? Why won't you come near me?"

"It's nothing, Ken. I'm just busy lately that's all. You know how it is. Stuff on my mind, thinking of going back to school for another degree, you know." 

"No, I don't know. Enlighten me."

It had not been a request. Ken felt a very calming stillness filling him. The eerie stillness was very familiar, like the return of an old friend. But, if this was the way things were going to be, then he was going to prepare himself for it.

__

"What are you talking about?"

"I touch you, and you pull away. I try to kiss you and you turn to the side and practically head for the hills. What the fuck is going on here, Dai-chan? You said you wanted this. You said you wanted me. Now, quit being such an asshole and act like it!"

He had watched as his lover started to comprehend the reasoning for his outburst. They stood facing off to each other, neither willing to give an inch.

__

"I do want you, Ken-koi. You've got to know that by now. It's just sometimes I'm not in the mood, you know? Sometimes it's just difficult…"

"We're in a goddamn relationship, Daisuke! A relationship you wanted! Stop being such a pussy and put in some fucking effort or this will never work!"

"Ken, calm down. You're not being rational-"

"FUCK being rational! Dammit, Dai… Why don't you care? Why do you keep treating me like this?"

"Like what?"

"Like I'm nothing. Like this is easy for me. Like I'm some sort of burden you took on. Like I'm not worth trusting, or loving, or…"

When he started to cry he found that he couldn't stop. It hurt so much to know that Daisuke kept doing this to him. After all the time they spent together hadn't he proved he had changed? He was ready to accept parts of himself that he otherwise found frightening. Or even beyond frightening. It tested every measure of his strength to acknowledge that there was indeed an extremely dark side to him. Part of his personality that made him feel so ugly that no one could ever want him. A side that was entirely a part of him and not created by someone else. But he could not go through it without Daisuke's help.

__

"Ken, how can you say that? You know I love you!"

And he had only pulled further into his protective shell before whispering his response.

__

"No you don't."

That night was the first time Ken had ever seen Daisuke truly cry. It shook him in places so deep he had forgotten they existed. The core of his entire belief structure was tested- again, making him question both his place in the world and in Daisuke's life. Obviously, he was not worth the kind of love he had hoped for. Not that he had expected Dai to cast aside his entire life to devote himself to Ken, but he had thought that there would be some level of commitment. Instead he was being treated no differently than if he were just another one of Daisuke's numerous friends and acquaintances whom he flitted through and flirted with. It hurt so much to know that Daisuke did not love him the same way he cherished his angel.

They stayed up late into the night discussing their secrets. Thankfully through their Jogress they had been exposed to the darkest of mysteries about one another and had no awkward preliminary feelings in mentioning the topics. It had been a harrowing night. Daisuke had spoken freely of his own emotional quarries and mental struggles. For his part, Ken merely listened and nodded offering comforting words when necessary. A feeling deep in the pit of his stomach gnawed at him, reminding him that he knew exactly how these things felt. He had, after all, been the Digital Kaiser, an experience hard to top in its sadism. Part of him wept at the idea of being a sociopath, part of him argued that he no longer was- meanwhile the darkness in him laughed. Mania as genuine as his was not easily denied. Still, Ken tried his best to bite it back and be the support Daisuke needed. 

After that fight things had changed. Daisuke treated Ken with more respect and certainly more admiration. The feeling made Ken happy, but part of him- in the dark recesses of his mind- whispered that it was not love, not what he deserved. He ignored the irritating cynicism, and things between he and Daisuke steadily got better. They talked about their concerns. Daisuke wanted another degree and Ken was already stretched to his limit studying law. Ken still lived with his parents and Dai had his own place, but he wasn't willing to share just yet. With grace and kindness in his eyes Ken only smiled and said he understood. And he did, but he also knew that it hurt. Little things, they kept building and building, waiting for Ken to notice them…

So many months later the sparkle returned to Daisuke's cinnamon eyes. Again they were lit from inside by a golden fire. And Ken forgot all about Daisuke's own brand of darkness. It seemed Dai forgot about the Kaiser as well. They fell into place beside each other again, once more whispering late night dreams of their future together. On some of the quietest nights Ken would still wake up with a violet shine to his gaze, a predatory look on his face. The beautiful young man in bed with him never saw it, but the possessive side still watched over him, over _them_. After their relationship started Daisuke had said he didn't care if Ken sat up watching him late at night as long as he didn't get creative with Dai's kitchen knives. Inside Ken laughed. Knives? Oh no, those would never do. Only a whip and a sufficient length of rope, please.

Six months they were together. It felt as though time had passed too quick and too slow at once. Thrilled that Daisuke was drawing closer to him again, Ken tried not to smile too widely as he walked to his lover's apartment. Hintings of a "special evening" had left him shivering in anticipation. Knowing his boyfriend that could mean any number of things. When he knocked on the door he was surprised as Daisuke simply swept him inside, pulling him into a deep kiss that continued as they crossed the tiny space to the kitchen. Ken was dazed and breathless when they pulled apart.

"Take a seat, Ken-koi," Dai's whisper was husky- full of promise. "Dinner is all set."

Ken sat, taking in the scene with genuine wonder. Candles adorned any surface they could without being a fire hazard, which was amazing given the constant state of chaos that was Daisuke's apartment. Their soft illumination cast light shadows around the two lovers. He watched as his host added some finishing touches to whatever was cooking on the stove. Fire- it seemed to spill from Daisuke's every pore. Whether it was the light of Courage or the sweet shine of Friendship in this most valued form did not matter. Breath catching in his throat, Ken felt his eyes wander over every inch of his angel. Simple genetics had given Ken a distinctly alabaster complexion, things were different for his lover. As though fire suited him from birth, or perhaps some group of gods somewhere had decided it would be his true element, his skin had a natural bronze tint to it. Not enough to actually be bronze, but enough to be highlighted very well in the right light. The effect made Ken melt into a veritable puddle of flesh on the floor.

"What's the matter, Ken? You look a little flushed. You feeling okay?"

Finding the ability to nod he tried to form a coherent sentence to go with it. "It's just you, being you. And being so incredibly fucking gorgeous I think I might jump you right now."

"Well, if that's all it… oh." It was Daisuke's turn to blush. Raising his cinnamon eyes he suddenly found himself unable to breathe. In the candlelight, Ken was a shining, iridescent angel. The whiteness of his skin in combination with the near perfect blackness of his hair stood out against the pale flames dwarfing them, making them seem insignificant. The small fan of dark eyelashes against the marble cheeks made him want to lick the worry away from the sad face of his love. When the indigo eyes were raised again he found that he was moving towards Ken without even thinking- it was instinct. A small tremble caught the sensual curve of Ken's upper lip, and Daisuke wanted to lick that too. Wanted to suck the delicate flesh into his mouth before moving his tongue to meet the familiar heat there. He wanted to taste the beautiful man at his side. When he knelt on the floor and placed one hand on either side of Ken's face all ideas of food were forgotten. Mouths met, tingling with a ferocious need. The candles in the room swelled with the heat of their desire.

Ken felt himself fall forward into Daisuke's waiting arms, mouths still together. Long, elegant fingers pushed through the mass of burgundy hair. At the same time he felt two skilled hands caressing his back underneath his shirt. The lips of fire moved down to his throat tracing a blazing maze across his ivory skin. Every sensation grew more and more as Ken felt the familiar desire lashing through him exploding every nerve from mouth to groin. The touches against him grew urgent and he was aware of being lifted onto the table as plates were pushed aside. Without any candles on the table to worry them the lovers quickly fell into a familiar rhythm. Ken felt his back arch against the body above him, crying out with desperate urgency. Daisuke met each writhe with his own twist of lust. He nipped and licked at the pale skin beneath him wanting his lover so badly he was sure one of them would die from need. Moving together they let clothing fall away as the sensations soared. The fire between the two of them expanded to fill the entire room. Daisuke was only aware of the powerful feeling of filling his lover, hearing his moans, their connection so deep it nearly shattered them. Ken had lost coherence long ago and did not think, only felt- felt his lover so deep that he could not tell where one of them ended and another began. Coiled around each other and moving in the most primal of dances they had never felt more connected. In that prefect moment they would promise each other anything if they could spend forever feeling the way they did then…

Sometime later when the candles had burned down to pools of wax or snuffed out completely they lay holding each other on the table. Each giving a contented sigh they murmured their "I love you"s in unison, smiling at their synchronization. Exhausted and spent beyond any point he previously thought possible Ken nuzzled against the bronze skin of his love's chest a moment longer before laughing quietly. "You know, I didn't think your table was sturdy enough to handle this kind of activity."

"I didn't think so either, but, hey, you learn something new every day," Daisuke pulled Ken closer. "Don't jinx it though. Why spoil the moment right?"

Indigo eyes rolled with practiced ease. "I'm just saying it shouldn't be able to hold both of us is all…" His words fell away as they both heard a small crack of wood before leaping up and safely away from the following crash of Daisuke's table breaking. Offering only a sheepish smile Ken bent to gather his clothes. "Well, you never _did_ like the table."

"No, not really," Daisuke sighed, his afterglow fading to afterfuzz. He mussed Ken's hair and smiled when his boyfriend handed him his clothing seconds before kissing him, hard. Broken table forgotten he fell into Ken, the glow returning. As the feeling melted into sated happiness he asked, "What was that for?"

"You looked like you needed a little boost in the afterglow department," Ken said over his shoulder as he walked towards the front door to get his shoes. "Want to go out for dinner? I'll pay."

Pulling his pants on, Daisuke laughed. "Trust you to be practical. What gives? Usually you're completely wiped out after sex. And you don't have to pay."

"I have more money than you do, I'll pay," he replied. "And that was amazing, but it was like a recharge not an endurance trial." He watched as Daisuke buttoned his shirt, ran his hands through his hair, and tried to smooth the creases out of his pants. "You'll have to iron those- I'll do it, don't worry about it."

A sparkling grin. "You're so _domestic_. What year is this? I think I can iron it myself." There was a mild flash of annoyance in his words. Studying the man before him for a moment he felt his eyes soften, their love a gentle sheen of perfection. "Let's go get dinner, Ken-koi." Taking his boyfriend's hand he pulled him down to the street enjoying the look on Ken's face as he watched the city at night. A familiar ache filled him. They felt so right together that it seemed they were dependent upon one another for survival. Codependency was not Daisuke's idea of a good time, but he loved Ken. It was so hard to imagine things being different. All the times he said he wanted to marry Ken he had meant it. They felt complete together, but in the back of his mind he felt a small nagging that this was exactly what he had feared all along. Turning away from Ken he felt his eyes flutter quickly to blink away the forming tears. No, he could do this. Ken loved him no matter what. But why did it feel like he had lost something? Pulling his smile back into place he dragged his love to the park. Ken loved to go there at night- the lamps on, the trees whispering as wind rustled through them.

He pulled Daisuke to a stop at some point along the path and wrapped his arms around him. Ken let his head fall onto his lover's shoulder as he closed his eyes, imagining the tender sparkle of cinnamon as Dai looked down at him. They could stay like that forever and Ken would be content. Inner turmoil was but a distant memory, the grip of the Kaiser merely a gossamer thread of sound echoing through his past. The peace he had desired for so long was granted to him, soothing away his fear. As long as Daisuke was in his life he could face anything. As long as he had Daisuke to love he would be okay. Strong arms lifted him as his angel spun them around amidst the trees. Laughing together, kissing, sighing, they both felt everything was perfect in that moment. And deep in his heart, Ken knew it couldn't last…

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~~ this year's love had better last,

heaven knows it's high time

I've been waiting on my own too long

and when you hold me like you do

it feels so right,

I start to forget how my heart gets torn

when the hurt gets thrown

feeling like I can't go on~~

Days later Ken was in the library, nose in a book, ass-deep in research he really had no desire to do. Rubbing his temples he fought off a building urge to either rip the book he was studying to shreds or burn it- it was a tossup as to which he would actually do. He certainly was not about to read any more. What he needed was a healthy dose of Daisuke. He had been MIA since their… table escapade at his place a few nights before. Stepping out of the library he felt the warmth of the day touch his face, cuddling him close the way he knew his lover would if he went to see him. Before he got any further his cell phone rang making him stop as a gentle smile lit his indigo eyes. 

"I was just thinking about you," he was still smiling.

At the other end of the conversation, Daisuke sounded nervous. "Yeah? That's cool. Um, Ken can you meet me at my place? I need to talk to you about something."

The world started to crumble in on his happiness. "What is it? Is there something wrong?" Panic dug into him instantly giving way to something much more familiar. Violet light flickered through his eyes.

"No, nothing's wrong. I just needed to talk to you about something."

Taking a breath he tried to calm himself. "Oh, okay then. I'll be there in a bit. Love you."

"Yeah, see you." Almost as an afterthought Daisuke added, "Love you too," then hung up leaving Ken staring at his phone. 

He hated panicking. It made him feel weak. But as he walked to Daisuke's apartment he felt helpless as a thousand possibilities flew through his mind. Surely he wasn't leaving him. They were so happy together. Okay, so maybe it was not exactly the ideal of domestic bliss, but… Daisuke loved him, right? He wouldn't leave him, would he? Ken bit his bottom lip to keep it from trembling as if he were some kind of weak, pathetic… no, he wasn't weak. And he wouldn't cry. He _wouldn't_. By the time he reached the apartment Ken had convinced himself that this was nothing major and everything was fine. Somewhere in his mind he hear a snicker. Yeah, things were great. He buzzed Dai to let him in and waited, surprised when his lover came down the stairs to greet him.

"Hey, Ken. I wanted to talk about this down here if you don't mind?" 

Ken nodded feeling numb as the two of them sat on a bench on the main walkway to Daisuke's building. "What did you need to talk to me about, Dai-chan?" He never used the term of such endearment without clear meaning.

"Look, Ken, it's just… I love you, but I… I…" his words trailed away as his beautiful eyes lowered to study the concrete sidewalk.

"You what? Come on, Dai-chan, I rushed over here because you said this was important and I-"

"I can't do this anymore, Ken." There. He'd said it. Daisuke felt like dying, or that he already was, from the inside out, but he needed to end this.

"You mean us?" His question was soft, an edge of sorrow working from his vocal cords. 

Cinnamon eyes studying his friend, he swallowed around the mound of cotton that he felt he was gagging on. "Yeah, I mean us."

Ken nodded and was silent for a few minutes before he looked at Daisuke's face. He felt tears in his eyes, but the anger in him was burning them away. "Why? Just tell me why. I think I deserve that much."

Somehow he had known Ken would ask that but the carefully prepared answer he had ready was forgotten. The reasoning seemed foolish at that point. "It's just too much, Ken. I need some time to figure things out about my life. There's a lot of shit that I still haven't dealt with and I need to," he paused to place a hand on Ken's shoulder, "but I need to do it alone."

Denial. Refusal. This was unacceptable. "I thought we were helping each other, Dai-chan." He drew in a sharp breath at the response.

"Don't call me that." 

"So then what am I supposed to call you? I've called you that for years, I don't see why I should have to stop now." Violet ice skated through his eyes with searing pain. "And I thought we were helping each other."

"This is something I need to do on my own, Ken." Daisuke bit his tongue to keep from using the affectionate nickname he was so used to using. _Koi_… He was so beautiful it made Dai want to weep. Instead, he went through emotional lockdown. 

"I just don't understand this. Everything was fine three days ago when we had dinner and… everything. Is there someone else?" The very thought broke his nerves, shattered his bones.

"No, there's no one else," Daisuke said, voice soft and full of condescension. The tone someone would use to bring a child back to reality after a horrible nightmare. "I've been talking to Hikari and Takeru, and they shared their thoughts on our relationship." He noticed Ken's wince at the names.

"Oh? And praytell, what wisdom and insight did the Angels of Hope and Light have to offer when they haven't even seen us together and they don't know anything about our relationship?" Of course it would be those two telling his Dai-chan to leave, filling his mind with poison so they could keep him to themselves. 

A distinct note in Ken's voice made Daisuke hesitate. He knew that sound- cold, arrogant, _angry_. "Well, they've heard what I have to say. The way I feel… Ken they don't think it's very healthy for us to be together and I agree with them. I mean, I'm just too fucked up and I've got a lot of shit going on right now. This just isn't going to work. Please, try to understand." Pride made it hard for him to beg, but he knew he had to or Ken would never let him go.

"So, from what you've told them they think we're a shitty match. Of course neither of them really like me so it isn't like that's some big shock." Shaking his head he gave a bitter laugh. "I do understand, Dai-chan. But that doesn't keep this from hurting." Smiling at his angel he fought off the overwhelming urge to start sobbing.

With his eyes full of crystalline tears and the shaky smile on his face Ken looked so endearingly remarkable that Daisuke couldn't help but grin. "You know, you're cute when you're pissed off."

That was all it took. Without even thinking about what he was doing Ken felt his head snap up, his eyes narrow, and watched as his open palm connected with Daisuke's right cheek. It was a solid blow, snapping Dai's head to the side and leaving a stinging trace on Ken's left hand. Almost immediately a scarlet welt blossomed on the young man's cheek. Ken watched Daisuke's eyes liquefy and spill over. He all but spat at the Chosen of _Friendship_ and _Courage_. "Fuck you." Standing to leave it occurred to him that what he had just done probably knocked some sense into Daisuke, but he needed to cool his anger before he could speak. Or he would call his old friend a lot of extremely unpleasant things. 

He wandered for a while, crying so much he could hardly see where he was. Stumbling out of the stream of pedestrian traffic he fell. Minutes, or perhaps hours later he realized that he was sitting on a sidewalk somewhere in Tokyo, sobbing. A feminine voice reached out to him through his mental fog.

"Ken? Is that you? Oh, shit you look terrible! Come with me, we'll talk about it." The voice was as gentle as the hands that pulled him up, steadied him, and guided him through the swarm of people.

Some part of Ken's brain clicked with dim recognition. Sora, the first Chosen of Love was guiding him towards… somewhere. "Where are we going?" His voice was gritty- sand and broken glass filed his throat.

"We're going to my place," she replied. Filling her voice with motherly comfort she told him everything would be all right once they got him some tissue and a nice cup of tea. Girls always knew how to handle this kind of problem. It made Ken happy that Sora was the one who found him, not Taichi or Jyou- though they could have their girly moments. 

Once they were seated in Sora's living room he felt his sobs quieting. His breath hitched in his lungs as he finally explained his breakdown. "Dai-chan… Dai, he left me. He _left _me. I don't understand. I thought he loved me. He said he did. Sora, I was so sure he loved me… so sure…" his words dissolved into a few more painful sobs. Ken heard some faint murmurs of comforting words, but they were fuzzy. The most he could feel was pain- the kind that washed away all other senses and left him numb. Finally, her words started to sink in.

"Daisuke does love you, Ken. He's just scared that's all. Stereo-typical male behavior. It's a common phobia exhibited by all men." Her words were laced with the weight of experience.

"Phobia?"

She nodded, dead serious. "Commitment phobia. Symptoms include selfishness, irrationally juvenile behavior, excessive machismo, and overall stupidity. These symptoms are often accompanied by an urge to prove that the male in question has the largest penis in a five mile radius."

He couldn't help but laugh by the time she was done. "That sounds about right! That's Dai all over," he chuckled a while longer and wiped away the remaining dampness in his eyelashes. Sighing he accepted a cup of tea when offered and proceeded to tell his story. Sora nodded and made a few faces at some of the remarks said by both Ken and Daisuke… "And then I just left him there, crying like he had actually realized what he just did, wishing he could take it back." Ken took a deep breath noticing how much it hurt. He must have cried more than he thought.

Sora's expression was grim, her honey eyes a reflection of disappointment. "Well, you could have left things better, Ken. But, in all honesty, I think Dai was being a complete prick. I have to side with you on this one and say hitting him was probably a good idea. At least you didn't kill him." She thought for a moment and winced. "Not that you're like that…"

"No, it's okay. I have to deal with it eventually right? I know you didn't mean anything by it, Sora, so stop looking guilty over there." Draining the last of his tea he found it had cooled considerably while he was talking. "I know I'm not exactly the most humane person but I am working on it, contrary to popular belief." At her questioning look he amended his statement. "Contrary to whatever the fuck it was Takeru and Hikari told Dai." 

She frowned, not liking where this conversation was headed. "You should talk to either Daisuke or to TK and 'Kari. You need to find out how everyone feels about this. The Chosen operate under a group mentality generally thinking the same things. We all act differently, but we're usually in agreement about whatever situation confronts us."

Ken thought over this for a moment. That would explain why every single blessed Chosen seemed to think he was the spawn of the Devil. However… "Do you feel the same way Takeru and Hikari do about me?"

Without hesitation she shook her head. "No, Ken. I've seen into your heart and I'm well aware of what lies there. You're intentions are pure, but it's hard to follow through with honest actions when those around you won't give you a chance." A brief silence followed her words before she met his indigo gaze. "You must be either really angry with TK and 'Kari or you must not like them at all if you always use their full names. It's a habit of yours to be formal when you're upset." 

"So you've found me out," he gave a wicked grin. "And no, they aren't my favorite people in all the world especially right now. That theory about group mentality makes some sense though. It does seem as if the Digidestined are always in agreement about things."

Sora gave an elegant shrug and poured them both some more tea. "It's Koushiro's theory. He told Mimi who tried to explain it to me. I think I've got the gist of it but you might want to check with Kou-chan to be sure." Before Ken could protest she added, "And he does like you. If you haven't noticed he's not one to follow mainstream ideas."

Setting his cup down he rubbed his tired eyes and pushed his hair back from his face. "Indeed. He does have that tendency to think outside the box. I'll talk to him at some point." Sparing a glance at the clock on the wall he stood and stretched. "I've got to go but thank you for your support. You have no idea how much it means to me." Stooping he gave Sora a hug and whispered in her ear, "You really do love everyone, don't you?"

She nodded before whispering back, "And you've been nothing but kind to everyone. Don't worry, Dai will come around."

__

~~ turning circles when time again

it cuts like a knife, oh yeah

if you love me, got to know for sure

cos it takes something more this time

than sweet sweet lies before I open up my arms 

and fall losing all control of every dream inside my soul

and when you kiss me on that midnight street

sweep me off my feet

singin' ain't this life so sweet? ~~

They sat staring at each other in some kind of ridiculous face off. Indigo and cinnamon locked in a heated battle to see who would break first. Loser had to buy dinner… 

Two weeks since Daisuke had succumbed to cowardice and ken had decked him to wake him up. Two weeks of trying to be just friends and nothing more. Two weeks without any kisses, or intimate touches… Ken was about to lose his mind if he couldn't taste that velveteen chocolate mouth.

"HA! You blinked! Sweet! You have to buy dinner now, Ken," Daisuke crowed and sprinted down the street.

Keeping to his reserved nature, Ken only rolled his eyes. "Whatever you say…" It was so difficult to not kiss that attitude away and bring Dai to his knees the way he knew he could. He watched the fiery young man spin on the sidewalk, waiting for his companion. Waiting for him. He had missed this so much. Blinking quickly, Ken heaved an overly dramatic sigh and grabbed Daisuke's arm. "Come on you jackass before all the restaurants close. I swear you could stare at the sky all day and be content. Simple pleasures for a simple mind, I guess." The little cracks helped. Sora had been a genius to suggest that one. Dig in a little every time and it'll help make the hurt start to fade. Lost in thoughts he never saw the flash of hurt on Daisuke's face.

"Oh yeah, that's right. I forgot I was out with the genius of Tokyo," the words were full of scorn and had a bitter aftertaste. Tearing his arm from Ken's grip he shoved his hands in his pockets and sulked his way down the street.

To say Ken was tired was an understatement. He was sick of playing games. He stopped and fixed a heated stare on Daisuke. When he tried, Ken could make his eyes burn with indigo fire. Watching his ex-lover he knew they were probably blazing with lust. He spoke in a sudden rush. "Do you have any idea how hard this is for me, Daisuke? How hard it is to see you and not kiss you or touch you. To try and flirt with you like there was never anything between us. To watch you watching all the people walking by us and studying them as sexual objects."

Daisuke had enough sense to blush and keep his eyes locked on the ground. "This isn't easy for me either, Ken. You have no idea how much I want to kiss you right now."

Shaking his head, he laughed- a sharp, clear sound. "You're the one who walked away from us remember?"

That got a reaction. Cinnamon fire rose to meet indigo. "Yeah, well you're the one who slapped me."

"And you deserved it." Hands firmly on hips, Ken challenged Daisuke to see if he could deny that he had earned his punishment. He could feel his eyes growing cooler, the quietness of cruelty lacing through him. Ken actually laughed when Dai took a step back from him, disbelief plain on his face.

"Ken, are you feeling all right?"

"Never better, Dai-chan. Why do you ask?" Though he was fairly sure he knew.

"You're looking pretty Kaiser-ish about life over there. Thought I'd check to make sure you weren't about to beat the shit out of me or anything." A careful guard slid behind his eyes, a brief change but Ken noticed.

He shook his head clearing away any traces of glacial violet. "I didn't mean to scare you. But that's what you get for pissing me off." Closing his eyes Ken tried to regain his composure. It was so tempting to slip back into that whip wielding mentality and claim what he knew was rightfully his. To tie down the bronzed creature standing beside him and make him writhe. Oh yes… 

"Ken?"

Opening his eyes he felt better. He pushed away his bondage fantasies and smiled in his gentle and unobtrusive way. "I'm fine, Daisuke. I didn't mean to frighten you." He snickered at the face his friend made.

"You didn't frighten me, Ken. I could kick your ass any day of the week." Something in his tone belied his words. Even Daisuke didn't believe that he could win a fight with Ken. What it all came down to was who was more comfortable with their psychotic side, and while Ken had never exactly embraced his it was a far cry better than Daisuke's outright denial of it's existence. Hard to be comfortable being a psychopath when he didn't want to admit that he was one. Well, maybe not a genuine psychopath, but he could have his moments. And Ken definitely had his.

"Come now, Daisuke, you don't believe that any more than I do," Ken grinned and stepped closer. Lust sparked between them. Talk of darkness, no matter how vague they tried to be, always ignited something between the two of them. "Just one kiss, Dai," he whispered. "Just one kiss won't hurt anything."

Daisuke swallowed and tried to control his body. He knew what Ken was saying wasn't true. One kiss would do a lot of damage even if Ken could walk away from it, which he doubted. One kiss would put them back where they had been two weeks before. One kiss… sounded like a pretty damn good idea to him. He looked into Ken's eyes seeing the desperate plea knowing his own eyes probably looked the same. Tilting his head Daisuke leaned forward the same moment Ken did, eyes fluttering closed.

The moment their lips met it was sealed. Pulling each other close they moaned together. Ken wound his arms around Daisuke's neck doing his best to remain somewhat civilized while making out public. And damn if that wasn't a difficult task. Daisuke clutched at Ken's shirt, barely able to not rip the material or claw at the delicate skin under his hands. Managing to break away they stared into one another's eyes not separating the embrace. They both wanted it but neither wanted to ask. After some amount of time full of questioning looks and small noises of desperation Daisuke whispered into Ken's ear…

"Come home with me."

__

~~ this year's love had better last

this year's love had better last

so who's to worry if our hearts get torn

when the hurt gets thrown

don't you know this life goes on?

won't you kiss me on that midnight street

sweep me off my feet

singin' ain't this life so sweet? ~~

Things seemed better. Ken obviously felt better with Daisuke in his arms again. It began in a flurry of sex and soon dissolved into something much darker. Ken felt it happening but was powerless to stop it. At first he thought everything was okay again. Daisuke would talk to him about things, even mention his emotional struggles but after a while Ken noticed something was missing. It took a while for him to place but he figured it out.

They were having a picnic in the park both too quiet and introspective to both with conversation. Ken mulled over the possibilities and concluded that he had to speak up or he would never say anything. And they would fall apart all over again. "Dai-chan?"

He looked up at Ken instantly seeing the apprehension on his face. "What? You okay, Ken-chan?"

Lips pulled into a firm line he tossed aside his first question. Why did Daisuke only call him "Ken-chan" when before he had always been "Ken-koi"? He sighed and decided it was worth it to lie a little. "It just seems like there's something bothering you and I wish you would tell me what it is." When his angel frowned he gave him the sweetest smile he could muster and asked, "Is everything okay with us?"

"What? Oh, yeah, of course. I mean… I don't know, Ken." Sitting up in one smooth motion from where he had been lying on the ground he draped one arm over his knees. Thinking about how to word things he carefully summed up his feelings. "I just didn't think we were getting back together like this after that night…"

Oh that hurt. It hurt so much. "You mean after you fucked me? You mean you thought we were just going to screw like rabbits and then you could throw me out in the morning? Because I'm just some whore for you to come to when you need a good fuck so you can get your rocks off and feel better without having to worry what I might think?!" By the time he was done Ken realized he hadn't become hysterical, but deadly quiet. Pain swallowed by the numbness in him caught in his eyes making them water and threaten to spill over.

"You said just one kiss…" Daisuke knew it was a weak excuse. He looked away from the utter shock on Ken's face.

"Right before you asked me to come home with you. Right before you whispered how much you wanted to make love to me- to make love _with_ me. Right before you held me close and told me you loved me!" Grabbing the nearest thing he could find- an orange- he threw it at Daisuke. "You fucking asshole! I don't believe you! How could you just fucking lie to me like that?" Launching himself at Daisuke he was caught in his lover's arms trying to squirm free as he sobbed. "I wish I could hate you. I really wish I could hate you."

"Please, Ken," Dai held him tight. "Don't get so upset. I never lied to you. Ken, I love you so much, and it scares me sometimes, okay? I feel like I'm losing myself in this relationship, like I'm defining my life by it. I can't do that." By that time Ken had stopped struggling and was crying into Daisuke's shoulder. The soft words of explanation seemed to fall on deaf ears.

"Daisuke," he whispered. "I know it's scary. I know it's confusing as shit but I thought I was helping you get those things straightened out." Pulling back he pushed his hair out of his face as it clung to his cheeks, stuck with salt. Wiping his nose he let out a watery laugh. "Wish I had some tissue." Where was Sora when you needed her? Composing himself, Ken sat looking into a soft pair of brown eyes. There was nothing there- no pity, no sorrow, nothing. "Why are you hiding from me, Dai? Why won't you let yourself feel anything anymore? It seemed like you were opening up to me before but since we got back together you've been so closed off. Why?"

"It's easier that way sometimes, Ken-koi." Drawing in a shaky breath he reached out and pulled the weeping beauty into his arms. "I'm scared," he whispered. It was the truth. He was terrified Ken would hurt him, would judge him, would overwhelm him so completely he would lose his sense of self. "Let me work on it?"

Relief flooded him. He was so afraid of losing Daisuke that he had been holding his breath without realizing it. Smiling a tiny bit he felt things might finally be getting better. "You know I will."

__

~~ this year's love had better last ~~

Better… Things were supposed to get better. It would be nothing short of a miracle if they could. One year they had been together- their two week split was counted as part of their relationship according to Daisuke. Still, not eternity but a year was impressive given their problems. At first things got steadily worse. They were lost in a fog of hormones and maybe that was what made it all seem like such a good idea.

Sex was a heavy factor in the relationship between Ken and Daisuke. Not because of past experiences but because of the value they both placed in it. Ken saw it as one of the greatest gifts he could give Daisuke. It was one of the things that separated Ken from any other person in Daisuke's life because they shared that intimacy only with each other. However, Ken wondered if there had been something in the air for a few months. On a whim he had bought a pair of handcuffs, as a joke, to give to Daisuke. When his love opened the gift he had gone very quiet. He had blushed then and confessed that he still fantasized about Ken tying him down and… and… They wound up fulfilling Daisuke's wish. It had been a crazed night. Seeing Daisuke cuffed and helpless below him gave Ken a heady rush of power, reminding him that he could be very dominant when he had to be. At the end they had both been screaming and a little bloody. The next morning when Dai rolled over in his bed he had given Ken an unobstructed view of his back- red marks trailed everywhere, some had split open again while he slept and were still bleeding. Ken had apologized profusely saying he would understand if Daisuke wanted to throw him out and never see him again. The Chosen of Courage only smiled as if held a secret Ken could never fathom and pulled Ken close as he was trying to get his pants on and leave. 

__

"Don't go. Please stay and make love to me again. I'll even call you Master…" 

It all went downhill from there. The next few weeks were filled with Daisuke tied, Daisuke begging and pleading with his _Master_, sex that left them both weak, bloody, and still wanting more. They ignored all the work they had to do, stopped returning phone calls, and spent hours wrapped around each other screaming from pain and pleasure. It seemed they could not go far enough, hard enough. Their days were coated with the sweet smells of liquor, sex, and blood. Insanity kept them from eating each other alive.

One night as Ken was working in the library he stopped and began to cry. The silent flow of tears expanded when he got up and ran to the men's room locking the main door behind him. Huddled in a ball on the floor he wept knowing he had forever destroyed Daisuke. The innocent Chosen of Courage and Friendship, the first to forgive his sins, the beautiful angel he had loved for so long- ruined. He went to Daisuke's apartment and sat his lover down explaining his thoughts to him. Morning found them clinging to each other as they slept, as though if they let go they would die. It took a lot of work after that but they managed to heal whatever psychological wounds their bout of sadism had left. Ken took it much harder than Daisuke. He blamed his cruelty for letting things get so out of control. He should have known better. Somewhere inside him the monstrous part of him slept like a well fed lion, content with it's meal.

They were able to go back to their routine that had seemed so mundane. Ken cherished it then, knowing how hard it must have been for Daisuke to come to terms with what had happened. But something began to change again. As they settled down to clean up the mess they had caused Daisuke pulled away again. So, Ken changed. He wore cologne that he knew Daisuke liked, wore the clothes he knew his lover liked to see him in, did everything the way Dai said he wanted things to be done. Chiding himself for any mistakes he quickly corrected the miscalculations- always, he did everything he could to make Daisuke happy. All he ever wanted was for his angel to be happy. What Ken had done to him could never be forgiven. Never.

__

~~ this year's love had better last ~~

Ken ordered food he knew Daisuke liked. Gave his precious love his undivided attention. Hoped that someday he would know forgiveness, would be held in those arms again. One year they had been together. It didn't take long for Ken to understand that it would never matter what he did, Daisuke would never love Ken the way Ken loved him. He met a few other people who expressed mild interest in him and he pushed them away. His relationship was one-sided but he would never cheat on Daisuke. Ken told himself he being foolish, Daisuke loved him. In his own way…

But he stopped touching him. They hadn't slept together since that last time when they began to try and heal. Not that Ken hadn't tried. Seduction seemed pointless- Dai never responded. More weeks went by and Ken noticed Daisuke was back to not kissing him again. Every so often there was a peck on his cheek or a casual hug, but nothing more. Ken was only a friend. He understood that much. But it hurt in a way he hadn't thought possible. There was nothing he could do to make himself worth loving. In the future there might have been other lovers waiting for him but he couldn't imagine Daisuke not being there. Not being in his life. Daisuke was his best friend. He knew more about Ken than any human or digimon alive should have ever known. And Ken knew as much about Daisuke. Not that he always understood, but he tried. 

And it wasn't enough.

On their anniversary all they did was fight over petty things. And it killed something in Ken when it happened. He cried himself to sleep every night for a week after that. His family kept smiling, unaware of his heartache. Sora, Mimi, Koushiro, and surprisingly Jyou all told him it would be better if he left Ken. They had been saying that for months and finally Ken began to agree. As painful as the idea was he had to let go- something he had known from the night he and Daisuke had last been together. Bitter ice coated his heart. It wasn't the old cliché that if he let something go and it came back it was his all along. It was simply giving up. Letting go of Daisuke when he had been so sure that they loved each other, when he had almost felt like he was worth something, when Daisuke said he wanted to marry him. Drowning in his ocean of tears, Ken drew from whatever source he found within and found the strength to go through with it.

"Dai, are you happy?" Ken carefully watched the reaction feeling his heart twist when his angel smiled. They stood in front of a café, about to go inside.

"What?! Of course I'm happy. I'm going to go back to school and get an English degree, and I'm getting a scholarship. Why wouldn't I be happy, Ken-chan?" His smile faltered when he saw Ken's eyes.

There it was again. He was back to being Ken-chan, which meant Daisuke was already thinking about ending things. "No, I meant are you happy with us?"

"Oh," the energetic man bit his lip. He could have lied, but there was something different in Ken this time. They had talked about the future often enough and it always seemed to illuminate Ken in a way nothing else could. He loved him- his gentle Ken-koi, from his genius to his nasty sadistic streak. But he couldn't give himself up to total devotion when he had no idea who he was. "It's hard sometimes," Daisuke replied, voice hushed. "I love you-"

"Dai, don't," Ken cut in. "Just don't. I know you said you had things you needed to work through, and I should have listened. But I didn't, and I'm sorry. You said… we both said a lot of things about the future and I'm sorry about that too."

"You breaking up with me, Ken-koi?" A startled edge crept from Dai's throat.

__

Koi… Dammit why did he have to do that? Why did Daisuke always know exactly the right thing to say? Steeling his nerves, Ken closed his eyes. "Yeah, Dai, I am. We both know this isn't working out. I love you more than anything, but we can't…"

"I know, Ken. I wish things could be different." Daisuke pulled Ken close, crying with him. No matter how hard they tried, it could never work while so much still hung between them. "I'm sorry."

Ken smiled into Daisuke's shoulder and whispered, "Me too."

__

~~ this year's love had better last ~~

Close friendship was hard to go back to, but they tried. Little by little it seemed they were making progress with only the occasional flurry of hormones to distract them. They saw each other regularly and would cuddle together- holding, but not kissing. Ken almost fainted from exhaustion after their first outing as "just friends" when he couldn't kiss Daisuke the way he wanted to. A kiss on the cheek didn't cut it sometimes. After a few weeks Ken explained all of his reasons behind the breakup, still not entirely certain that Dai was aware of how much he understood. Maybe someday he would realize.

Until then they flirted and teased and Ken tried not to let it hurt him. He still woke up expecting to see Daisuke smiling at him, kissing his nose, and bugging him for some food. On the plus side he was opening up again- letting Ken into his heart. When they stayed up into the whee hours of the morning talking about whatever they could think of he thought Daisuke was sounding better. Healthier. At least he never mentioned Hikari and Takeru anymore. Occasionally, Dai would whisper to Ken how hard he was trying and Ken would smile and kiss his cheek to congratulate him. Dreams of Daisuke filled his sleep making him wonder if they could both ever change enough to be together. Their matching heartbeats often lulled Ken to sleep at night and morning would find him with tears in his eyes as he looked at one of his pictures of the two of them. Maybe someday they could work things out. If not, perhaps Ken could share his Kindness with another, should he ever find someone.

Maybe…

Someday…

__

~~ this year's love had better last ~~

*************

there's an epilogue to this too. The song "This Year's Love" belongs to David Gray. Hope you liked this. I know it's sad. 


	3. epilogue

__

Epilogue

__

~~ walk down that lonesome road, all by yourself

don't turn your head, back over your shoulder

and only stop to rest when the silver moon

is shining high above the trees ~~

In the years that passed since their decision to remain the best of friends, Ken had rarely seen Daisuke. Inevitably, they had gone their separate ways. Regardless of whatever pull they had felt toward each other. Ken found this amazing given how close they had once been. However, he had to recognize the fact that he had pulled away eventually too. He felt a tightness in his chest whenever he thought of his former lover. As time had gone by the echo of Daisuke's heartbeat had grown faint, diminishing over the years until it completely disappeared from Ken's range of hearing.

Ken had finished law school but despised the idea of becoming a lawyer. He became a private investigator instead. He never married. Spending most nights working late he returned to an empty apartment. The silence left by the absence of Daisuke ghosted through him everywhere he went. His golden laughter rang in Ken's memory, but it had been years since he heard it in person.

The other Chosen avoided him, with the exceptions of a few of the elders: Sora, Mimi, Koushiro, and Jyou. Taichi and Yamato still talked to him, but their banter was only superficial. Their siblings still held some undetermined grudge against the holder of Kindness. After so many years he still had no idea why they disliked him so much. Perhaps he never had redeemed himself after his stint as the Kaiser. And that brush with insanity had left him a murderer, something unforgivable to the Angels, apparently. Miyako and Iori were basically the same as Tai and Yama, talking to him only on a surface level not actually caring about his well being. At least Daisuke had forgiven him though he still didn't know why.

Initially, he had blamed the Dark Spore, the Kaiser, for his sadistic tendencies. It was a convenient scapegoat when he had not wanted to acknowledge that he- in true Chosen fashion- held the keys to both Kindness and Cruelty. The very idea made him weep even when so much time had gone by. All too often he sought the sympathy of friends, feeling empty when he remembered that his angel of Friendship was gone. So many nights he still woke up thinking there was another person in bed with him forgetting, for that moment, that he had chased his love away.

Sora had informed him that Daisuke had left Japan altogether a few years ago. She never did say where he went, only that he was gone. Of course, Ken had known before she called him. Across time and space he could feel his angel bidding him a final good-bye. His remaining friends had offered him comfort, hesitant to explain why Daisuke had left. They broke down one by one confessing that his former lover had departed to be with the "love of his life". And while substance abuse had never really appealed to Ken, when he uncovered that bit of information he seriously contemplated getting himself a nice, big, fat drug habit. When he came to his senses he admitted that it was probably good for Daisuke to move on. Of course, trying to be the bigger person in the situation didn't make him feel any better.

At least Ken had plenty of work to keep him busy. Cases kept coming and so did the money, which was good. He could live comfortably. Clients were very impressed with his work, finding his complete devotion to their cause to be a commendable habit. Ken never cared. As long as he kept moving, as long as he had something to occupy his mind, as long as there was something to make him forget he could avoid thinking about Daisuke. However, when the day was done and his body demanded rest he had no choice but to think about his past. Muscles exhausted from a seemingly never ending string of twenty hour days, he would collapse in his bed too tired to fight off the memories. How they had fallen in love, become such a wonderful couple, how they had pushed each other to the brink, how they had wandered away from everything- from their love.

__

"Do you think I'm weak, Daisuke?"

How could he have ever thought otherwise? Ken refused to look at his own reflection on some days, so disgusted by his appearance he would slam a fist into the glass watching as it rained glittering shards on his feet. Occasionally he dreamt of blood and pain and shining violet eyes. He would wake up sobbing, feeling as though he had swallowed sharp pieces of glass wondering if he would ever be able to forgive himself. Someday. Maybe someday. He could always hope. Even if it wasn't his specialty. 

__

~~ if I had stopped to listen once or twice

if I had closed my mouth and opened my eyes…~~

Ah, Kindness… Ken laughed whenever Sora or the others reminded him that was his special insignia. Kindness hadn't really done much for him. He'd been so compassionate, so patient, so fucking _kind_, and where did it get him? Alone. Crying in his empty bed, his empty house, his empty life. Well, not completely empty. Sora and Mimi always welcomed him when he went to visit one of them. They were always sweet and caring, providing a shoulder to cry on. The same could be said of Jyou and Koushiro who offered sympathy as best they could. Ever faithful and wise the two older men always had a couch to crash on. Ken had no idea if any of them actually knew how much he still cried about Daisuke.

Daisuke, his angel. The perfect love of his life. Ken wondered how he was doing, if he had children yet with the woman he had supposedly married. Or had they split up unable to work around their problems? Maybe Dai would come back to him someday after all. But he wasn't about to hold his breath because he knew he would die before he ever got his answer. If he could have erased his past mistakes he would have in a heartbeat. He wanted to say that he would have erased ever having been the Kaiser or, hell, even being born. But then he never would have met him. Life was too complex for him sometimes.

Sighing as he wandered through the market, Ken tried to decide if he really felt like buying anything at all, or if he should just pack it up and move to another country like he'd been dreaming of. It was a beautiful recurring fantasy that he liked to indulge in more and more as of late. Reaching out to grab a tin of tea he stopped, the edges of a familiar laugh touching his ears. No, it couldn't be. But he knew that sound, knew it better than practically anything else. Hearing the laugh again made him close his eyes against the feelings it aroused. Arm still in the air, reaching for his tea, Ken fell to his knees knowing he was crying but not finding the dignity to care all that much. No, they said he left Tokyo, said he left Japan…

Daisuke. It had to be him. No one else in any world sounded like that. The sound was full of confidence, maturity, friendship, courage, fire. Time might have changed the sound slightly but the tone of fire was never something to be denied. At that moment Ken felt something stir in his chest. Another sound he had not heard in ages began to pound in him. A second heartbeat. One that matched his own.

He stood quickly. He had to leave before Daisuke found him. Ken didn't know if he could face his old love even with all the years between them. Deciding that he could always come back another day for food he dropped his basket and bolted. Or tried to. There were suddenly people everywhere, crowding him. He wanted to cry he was so terrified and it occurred to him that he probably was, had never stopped. No, he couldn't let Daisuke see him like this, he couldn't… Pushing against the mass of customers he was almost out, almost free when he heard the laugh again- much closer. Suddenly it stopped, and everything stopped with it. Everything but the matching beat he felt in his chest.

"Ken?" 

Shit. Ken supposed he couldn't run anymore and slumped in defeat. This was not something he had prepared for.

"Oh my god," the voice was deeper but still held a note of wonder. "Ken, is that you?"

Turning around he plastered his best business smile on his face and greeted the source of all his torment. Daisuke was still incredibly beautiful. Still a polished, bronze angel. Yeah, he still looked like sex on two legs. Ken met his eyes and almost blacked out. Those cinnamon eyes were filled with such joy. But were those tears Ken saw? What would make his angel cry like that?

Daisuke stepped forward wanting to take Ken in his arms and sweep him away. "I can't believe it," he said softly. Leaning farther forward he whispered low enough that he knew only Ken would hear, not his wife. "You're as beautiful as ever." When he pulled back he smiled warmly speaking at normal level, "I missed you so much."

Swallowing around the confusion Ken felt his own smile weaken. "Hey, Dai. How've you been?" Damn. Daisuke was still a flirt. And as much as Ken wanted to grab him and kiss him, make him cry with need he saw the pretty blond at Daisuke's side and knew he couldn't. Gracefully stepping forward he introduced himself. "Ichijouji Ken," he held out a hand. "You must be the wife I've heard so much about." He noticed her blush when he bent to kiss her hand. Ha! Take that Dai.

For his part, Daisuke stood there and frowned. "I never told you I was married, Ken." God it was hard to not call him Ken-chan or Ken-koi.

Looking back at his former lover, Ken gave him a sultry smile. "Oh, I know. However, some of the others were _kind_ enough to call me from time to time. They at least give a damn about how I'm doing." Ha! Ha! And ha again, Motomiya! 

Hurt flickered through the cinnamon depths of Daisuke's eyes for a moment. He couldn't find any excuses so he did the best he could given the circumstances. "I'm sorry, Ken. You have no idea how sorry I am."

Still not releasing the blond wife's hand he smiled again knowing there was probably a distinctly violet shine in his eyes. "I know you are, Daisuke." He didn't need to keep speaking. _And you should be sorry_, hung in the air like the snap of a whip chasing its victim.

The blond raised an eyebrow and gave her husband a look that all wives learn. The look that said he had better explain this shit later or he wouldn't be getting any for months. "It's a pleasure to meet you. How do you know my husband?"

She was good, insinuating so much with that tone. It was obvious Daisuke had never explained his relationship with Ken to this woman and Ken paused long enough to make him sweat, wondering if Ken would tell. "We were best friends in middle school and partly through college," was all he offered. "If there's anything you want to know about him, I'm the person to ask." He ended with a wink and laughed at her possessive look. Let her wonder. "I hate to run, but the work doesn't do itself, you know? How long are you in town?" Daisuke was so, so pretty… what had Ken done to deserve this?

"Another week or so," Daisuke answered quickly, desperately thinking of a way to stall Ken's departure. "Where are you living now?" Putting an arm around his wife he smiled. "We're thinking of moving here."

Great. Just fucking great. His one true love and Little Miss Blond Town and Country were moving to Tokyo. Could life get any better? "Odaiba, but I'm thinking of moving soon." 

"Where?" Deaf children in Antarctica could have heard the sadness in Daisuke's voice.

Ken shrugged. "Not sure yet. But I really do have to go." Reaching into his pocket he pulled out one of his business cards. "Call me if you want to do dinner or anything. It would be great to catch up." At least that was genuine. "I'm sorry to rush off like this, Dai," his voice grew soft, bloomed with a tenderness that was familiar to both of them. "Call me, okay? We should talk," he wanted to add "about us" but with Daisuke's wife standing there he didn't. Blinking tears out of his vision he turned to the petite blond woman who had a death grip on her husband's arm. "It was wonderful meeting you. I sincerely hope you'll join your husband and I for dinner one night." Before she could reply Ken placed a quick kiss on Daisuke's cheek and left without looking back.

Husband and wife stood in the market dumbfounded. Daisuke brushed shaky fingers across the cheek where Ken's kiss was still burning against his skin. He knew his wife was jealous, but Ken was a hard act to follow. Meeting her cool blue eyes he knew he was smiling but just couldn't stop.

"Honey?"

"Let it go, Mae. Forget it and let it go." He knew she wouldn't. Turning his back to her walked through the market knowing she was following him like some kind of Nordic shadow. Smiling still he touched his chest feeling the two heartbeats there.

__

~~ if I had cooled my head and warmed my heart

I'd not be on this road tonight ~~

Blocks away Ken was fighting to remember how to breathe. Time had only made Daisuke even more exquisite. For the thousandth time he wished he could have been there with Dai as he went through all the emotional battles. Even if he couldn't have kissed away the pain he would have liked to hold him. Something in his angel made it impossible for Ken to want anyone else.

But, it seemed Daisuke had moved on. Maybe it was time Ken do the same. Walking for a while he reminisced a bit. He still loved Daisuke every bit as much as he had all those years ago when they were still children and saving the world from disaster. He had watched everyone's favorite goggle-head grow into a gangly adolescent- puberty ahoy! In high school he had kept growing the flowing streamline of his body filling out with muscles from soccer. In college they were men, sharing worries of term papers and life decisions. Ken had honestly believed that they would keep making those decisions together. But, Daisuke had moved on.

Ken realized he had never gotten the name of Daisuke's blond and blue-eyed wife. Everything Ken wasn't- tan, built, happy… _female_. Still, no sense being bitter. He could always be friends with Daisuke. Walking by all the old haunts from their years of growth Ken smiled, lost in memory. He was somewhere in the park when he noticed that the second heartbeat in his chest was still there, keeping perfect rhythm. Placing his hand over the gentle beat he looked upwards through the trees at the moon shining over Tokyo. His worries began to ease somewhat as he stood there remembering every moment he had spent with Daisuke. He smiled knowing his wish had been granted. Dai was in his life again, and as long as he had Daisuke in his life, he could be happy. He could learn to move on.

Walking down the path in the moonlight he felt the last fluttering bit of pain leaving and wings of Kindness, Friendship, Courage, and Love folding over his heart.

__

~~ walk down that lonesome road all by yourself

don't turn your head back over your shoulder

and only stop to rest when the silver moon

is shining high above the trees ~~

*************

That's it! No more from me for a while. And as much as this was supposed to be a sad story I felt the need to give it a somewhat happy ending. The song "Lonesome Road" is by James Taylor and probably some other people who's names I can't remember. Hope you liked it!


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